Couples will often use couples therapy as a place to make a decision about whether or not to stay together. And there is nothing wrong with this. Working with a therapist is totally appropriate to navigate these relationship decisions and challenges. It’s just that some people will gauge the success of couples therapy on whether or not the couple stay together.

One or both members of the couple do not complete homework assignments or work on their relationship outside of the session. They may also not be willing to take responsibility for their part of the problem, or be open to exploring their vulnerabilities. Just attending sessions will not save your relationship. No therapist, no matter how awesome, can fix your problems for you.

Couples are unwilling to accept each other’s differences and/or desperately want to change their partner. As bad as it sucks to say this… It’s not happening. You two are unique individuals with distinct personalities and have a particular way of being in the world. You were yourself before you met your partner, and hopefully you will continue to be yourself in your relationship. Your introvert partner isn’t magically going to change their biology or rewire their brain because you would prefer them to be more outgoing, and vice versa.

There are two people involved, and this can often mean mixed agendas. One person wants to save the relationship, while the other has one foot out the door. Additionally, one person may be ready to end the relationship and will use couples therapy as a place to inform their partner of their decision and want to “dump off” their partner in a safe place with the therapist.

Couples expect a quick-fix solution to their problems. Research shows that couples wait an average of 6 years to seek therapy from the time they began having significant relationship concerns – and expect 4 sessions of couples therapy to repair their relationship. A relationship that has been building up resentment and negativity for many years takes a solid commitment along with attendance and participation at more than 4 sessions.

The therapist the couple is working with has not received training and education in couples therapy, or there is not a good fit between the therapist and the couple. Additionally, therapy may not be successful if concerns regarding addiction or serious mental illness in one or both partners have not been addressed prior to couples therapy.

Make sure that your therapist is aware of your agenda. It’s okay to come to couples therapy to figure things out or to decide whether or not you really want to be together. In my practice I only work with couples who are sure that they want to remain together and are fully committed to making their relationship work. However, if you are ambivalent about your relationship and want some support figuring things out, look for a therapist who helps with ambivalent couples and offers an approach such as Discernment Counseling.

Make Couples Therapy a priority. Until your relationship is where you want it to be, Couples Therapy should be the most important item on your calendar. Make time for it. Be consistent. Attend weekly sessions. Each week builds upon the other, and momentum should be maintained. Randomly attending sessions is not very effective, and I don’t want you to be wasting your time or money.

Be willing to accept your partner’s faults and appreciate their differences. No one wants a good relationship to come at the cost of losing who they are in the process. Of course a good relationship is our goal, but we also want you to be comfortable being who you are in your relationship.

Complete your homework. Work on your relationship outside of the session. Integrate the concepts and techniques learned in session into your everyday life. The therapist can provide guidance, support, tools, and techniques, but only you and your partner can decide to take what is provided and put it to work in your relationship. Your relationship only works if you do.

Give couples therapy a chance to work and have realistic expectations. Your problems didn’t occur over a 4 hour period, so why only devote 4 sessions to repairing your relationship before you give up and say “we tried”? It has been found that couples will receive the most benefit and experience the most positive growth between the 7th and the 10th sessions. So make a commitment to attend 8 to 10 sessions at a bare minimum – with a 6 month commitment being ideal.

Be open to admitting fault and sharing responsibility with your partner. Take an honest look at yourself and your relationship. Be vulnerable and open to sharing your thoughts and feelings. Be willing to explore your problems and look at your relationship from a different perspective. Again, the therapist is only a guide.